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Imagining a Successful Meeting Between Biden and McCarthy

by Eric Bennett
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Imagining a Profitable Assembly Between Biden and McCarthy

Tomorrow, President Joe Biden will meet with Home Speaker Kevin McCarthy and Senate Minority Chief Mitch McConnell to debate the federal price range and the looming lack of ability of the USA to lawfully pay its payments until Congress raises the debt ceiling. The 2 sides appear very far aside, however a decision could be attainable if the negotiators are inventive. Let’s think about how the assembly may go.

Biden: Mitch, Kevin, welcome to the Oval. Right here’s the deal . . . .

McCarthy: Deal? Now we have a deal already?

Biden: What? No, c’mon man. You understand that’s simply how I start half my sentences. Mitch right here is aware of that from our time within the Senate collectively, don’t you outdated pal?

McConnell: Mr. President, you must fake I’m not right here. Chuck [Schumer] will provide you with no matter you want from the Senate.

McCarthy: So why are you right here?

McConnell: As a result of seeing the distress of others makes me really feel actually alive.

Biden: Alright fellas, let’s reduce the malarkey and get all the way down to brass tacks. Kevin, I can’t probably comply with the bill you passed. It guts my signature legislative accomplishments and would slow economic growth.

McCarthy: These are simply Democrat speaking factors. Eliminating the brand new IRS brokers will improve authorities revenues. Clear power is a grimy communist plot. Drill child drill!

Biden: Right here’s the deal. We will talk about spending cuts as a part of the common price range course of, however in addition to I do this the debt ceiling statute is about paying for previous appropriations. That’s why you guys didn’t strive these shenanigans when the previous man was in right here. If I give in to any of your calls for now, you’ll make even bolder ones subsequent 12 months when we have to increase the ceiling once more.

McConnell (chuckling): . . . if you happen to give a mouse a cookie . . . .

McCarthy: Mr. President, I perceive the place you’re coming from . . .

Biden (interrupting): . . . Scranton, P-A, pal!

McCarthy: . . . however you need to perceive the place I’m coming from. I’m completely beholden to a band of crazies. For goodness sake, Donald Trump and Marjorie Taylor Greene each supported my candidacy however it nonetheless wasn’t sufficient for these clowns. If I have been to comply with a clear debt ceiling invoice, I’d face a movement to vacate the chair in a fetal heartbeat.

Biden: Properly, I suppose we’re at an deadlock then. (Chatting with an aide not named Jimmy:) Hey Jimmy! What did we are saying we’d do if this occurred? Something about a best worst option?

McConnell: Uhhhm, Mr. President, Kevin, may I make a probably useful suggestion?

Biden: Dang sure, Mitch. Get to it lickety-split.

McConnell: What if you happen to have been to make a deal that’s not a deal? Kevin agrees to maneuver two items of laws that he says are linked however that you simply say are unrelated, Mr. President. One is a clear debt ceiling suspension. The opposite makes some price range cuts. Would that work?

Biden: It will rely on what’s within the price range cuts, however certain, what the heck. It’s like my mom-mom at all times used to say, the best advantage is braveness.

McCarthy: I don’t suppose you guys are listening to me. It’s not simply Lauren Boebert, Matt Gaetz, and Paul Gosar. Most of my caucus are friggin’ nuts. I feel half of them would vote towards Mitch’s plan even when it contained each price range reduce they requested for. They’re towards elevating the debt ceiling on precept.

Biden: Properly, I suppose we’re at an deadlock then. (Chatting with an aide not named Billy:) Hey Billy! What did we are saying we’d do if this occurred? Not that stupid coin thing, one thing else, what was it?

Out-of-breath Congressman speeding into the room: Wait! I’ve an thought?

McConnell: Who’s this man?

Now-slightly-less-out-of-breath Congressman: I’m Hakeem Jeffries!

McConnell: Who?

McCarthy: He’s the Democrat chief within the Home.

McConnell: Nancy Pelosi is just not a Black man.

McCarthy: What’s your thought, Hakeem?

Jeffries: Kevin, bear in mind whenever you misplaced fourteen votes earlier than lastly profitable the Speakership?

McCarthy: Are you making an attempt to make me cry?

Jeffries: No, no, pay attention. Think about if some Democrats had supported you for Speaker. You could have marginalized the crazies in your caucus.

McCarthy: That may have been good, I suppose, however why are you bringing it up now?

Jeffries: As a result of we will do it now. Let’s say you and the President attain the deal-that’s-also-not-a-deal. Even when half your caucus votes towards it, Democrats can provide the extra votes wanted for passage. After which we will additionally provide the votes to maintain you as Speaker if there’s a movement to vacate the chair.

McCarthy (tearing up): You’d do this for me?

Jeffries: Properly, for the nation, however certain.

McCarthy: Dang! It wouldn’t work. For one factor, I’ll want a minimum of a majority of Republicans to get previous the Hastert rule. And even when I can whip these votes, if I transfer a invoice that is determined by Democrat help, I’ll be primaried sooner than you’ll be able to say . . . .

Biden (interrupting): Sizzling diggity canine! I’ve obtained a greater thought. Hakeem, you bought the ball rolling on that discharge petition, proper?

Jeffries: Yes, Mr. President.

Biden: So if my math is right, if the Home Democrats stick collectively, you’ll want solely 5 Republican members to go alongside to get a debt ceiling improve by means of.

McCarthy: Solely 5? Now that Liz Cheney and Adam Kinzinger are out, you received’t discover even one Republican prepared to buck management if it means serving to a Democrat President! Any Republican who votes for a discharge petition could have a well-funded major opponent in much less time than it takes . . . .

Biden (interrupting and calling to an aide not named Jenny or any variation thereof): Jenny! Deliver me that record. (Upon being handed a chunk of paper): Kevin, you’ve already obtained one Republican who’s retiring and not seeking any other office. Right here’s a listing of 31 Republican House seats that might flip in 2024. Jiminy Cricket, certainly one of ’em is held by George Santos. Certainly yow will discover one other three who can be happier taking lengthy holidays in Indonesia funded by Harlan Crow than combating a probable dropping battle to remain in D.C. Get them to vote for the discharge petition.

McConnell (moaning softly and tenting his fingers): Sure, Mr. President. Really feel the ability of the darkish aspect.

McCarthy: Okay, okay, I feel I see how this works. I’d publicly oppose the discharge petition however if you happen to and I can agree on a price range deal, I’ll quietly use it and another inducements to safe the votes and retirements of some Republicans.

An aide not named Louise: Mr. President, a delegation of trainspotters and Secretary Buttigieg are ready for you within the East Room.

Biden: Thanks Louise. Okay, boys. Seems like we have now a plan. Now we simply must provide you with some price range cuts. Let’s keep in contact.

Source / Picture: verdict.justia.com

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